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Top 10 BDSM Terms You Should Know

Diving into the world of kink can feel a lot like learning a new language.

So, you have an interest in BDSM, and you decide to take your interest to Google to perform an internet search. You don’t really know what you’re looking for, but you’re casually browsing, hoping to come across something interesting and exciting you never heard of before. But the information you come across is full of jargon and terms that leave you scratching your head. Not a good way to start your exploration into kink, right?

Reading BDSM literature can be confusing, and even a bit intimidating, without an understanding of the vocabulary used to describe the different fetishes and kinks that are a part of the BDSM lifestyle.

In the spirit of helping guide you through the confusion, we offer up our list of the Top 10 Most Important BDSM Terms You Should Know.

  1. BDSM

When people ask if you are “into BDSM” or vise-versa, it’s important to understand what they/you are really asking. Personally, even when I’m in a Vanilla type setting and I hit it off with someone and want to see if we would be compatible sexually, I ask if they know what BDSM means. If they don’t then I know we probably won’t be, or if they do I can tell what they think of it usually by their reaction. I’ve included the definition below for you.

Multiple acronym for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance/submission, sadomasochism. Frequently used as an all-inclusive abbreviation indicating anything pertaining to the “lifestyle”, often including fetish, although it isn’t part of the acronym. (1)

BD: Bondage and Discipline

DS: Dominance and submission

SM: Sado-masochism

  1. Consent

The concept of consent is at once a personal, ethical and social concern, and holds particular importance within the BDSM community. Most activities you’ll engage in with your partner during playtime will test your partner’s physical and emotional limits. And out of sheer consideration alone, such trials should not be endured by anyone unless they give permission to do so beforehand.

The line between what can be considered BDSM and what is clearly assault has been hotly debated in the media, especially when the Jian Ghomeshi trial was making headlines globally. Ultimately, where that line is drawn will depend (and vary) wildly from couple to couple. What’s important is that couples who choose to engage in BDSM activities, establish clear rules and discuss each other’s preferences beforehand.

  1. Dominant/Submissive Relationships

Dominance and submission (also called D/s) is a set of rituals, behaviors and customs involving the submission of one person to another, whether that be 24/7 or occasionally. It doesn’t necessarily involve physical contact because it can also be done anonymously online. It can also be intensely physical, sometimes crossing into sadomasochism. Both parties take pleasure from either dominating or being dominated. Those who take the superior position are called dominants—Doms (male) or Dommes (female), while those who take the subordinate position are called submissives, or subs (male or female). A switch is someone who enjoys playing either role and which role they play usually depends on what kind of partner they’re with. “Dominatrix” is a term that refers to a professional female dominants who dominate for money.

  1. Top/bottom and Total Power Exchange

You can still have kinky relationships without fully submitting to someone. If Total Power Exchange isn’t your thing try finding someone who identifies as a Top or Bottom rather than a Dominant or Submissive. This definition of a bottom explains the difference between a bottom and a submissive very well, “A person who receives spankings, floggings, or other forms of stimulation in situations which specifically exclude power exchange. For example, a masochist may be interested in receiving some kind of stimulation but may not be interested in giving up psychological control; whereas a submissive has given up authority and may receive some kind of stimulation on the instruction of a dominant, a bottom does not give up authority and may control exactly how, under what circumstances, and to what degree he or she receives some form of stimulation.” (2)

  1. Daddy/Babygirl Relationships

When people refer to themselves as a Big or little or that they have Daddy or Babygirl they are talking about ageplay where the “Big” takes the parental role and the “Little” is the child. A common misconception about age play is that people who engage in it have incestuous perversions but that’s not true. For the most part it’s actually the powerlessness aspect of childhood and the power balance rather than the childhood itself, that is appealing. Submissives who require a nurturing dominant rather than a harsh one tend to search for these daddy type doms. Most littles tend to be people who are young at heart and most Daddys tend to be dominants who like to reward good behavior rather than focus on the bad.

  1. Shibari

Bring the virbrator into play!

The term “Shibari” is one you will most definitely come across if you have any interest in bondage or rope tying whatsoever. It stands for an ancient form of Japanese rope-tying that was primarily used for keeping people captive for torturing purposes. Shibari probably translates into something like “uncomfortable,” or “unpleasant.” The harnesses aren’t pretty to look at it, and can be crudely thrown together, but they are extremely effective. And once mastered, slightly modified Shibari techniques become ideal for suspension rigging purposes.

  1. Safeword

If your partner ever yells out the word “pineapple” during playtime, I can assure you, it has nothing to do with your partner wanting some fruit. It’s more likely being used as a “Safeword” – a word or phrase that can be used to let their partner know they don’t want to continue with the actions being performed.

The safe word you choose to use with your partner is ultimately up to you. It’s best not to use the words “no” or “stop” because, in some cases, those words may be part of the role playing.

  1. Mistress

In the BDSM scene, “Mistress’ is a word used to refer to a female dominant, or dominatrix. Consenting male and female submissives may be under the control of a mistress, who will often require that they perform any tasks she requests, including sexual activities (one would certainly hope!). The role play here turns the traditional power exchange on its head, turning men into submissives and slaves

  1. “Training”

Whether it be slave training, pet training, or any sort of specific skill like anal or deepthroating, in a dominant-submissive relationship, the Master is usually putting the slave through some sort of training. The game often boils down to a make believe game of behavior modification. The submissive steps out of line (deliberately, for the sake of the playtime), and needs to have that behavior corrected through negative reinforcement, or “aversion tactics.” This is how punishment activities, such as spanking, flogging and paddling, are incorporated into the playtime.

In my experience, training is done best when you establish incremental goals for your partner to accomplish. Anal is an excellent example of this. Instead of having your partner use the same large toy for weeks, have them graduate from small to larger anal plugs, until their poor little ass can take it. Also, it’s important to remember that negative reinforcement and punishment is not always the best way to correct a behavior. Positive reinforcement, or rewarding good behavior, is often equally, if not more effective than punishment at reinforcing desired behaviors.

  1. “Aftercare”

If you are thinking of doing a scene for your first time with someone where you are the submissive and you have some intense things planned, it’s important to understand how you might feel afterwards. There is something called bottom drop, and trust me its real. If you’ve come this far where you’re actually considering doing these fun and filthy things, chances are you’ve had some kind of wild fun in your past, even one night stands. How did you feel after? At the time I bet you were on cloud 9, then maybe after its all said and done you feel the opposite. Intense kink scenes, even with people you trust can also leave you with feelings of shame or guilt, especially if you have traditional ideas about relationships or socially appropriate behavior. As well, after a period of intense pain play, bottom drop may be related to the reduction of levels of endorphins in the brain as well. While you might not know exactly what helps you the best, sometimes you may need a safe psychological space to unwind and recover. Aftercare is the process of providing this safe space. Everyone’s aftercare varies and figuring out things that help this feeling disappear will make your kink experience more enjoyable.

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To read the full article on Wasteland Blog, click here.

Posted in BDSM, Current Events, Instructional

Your Wasteland Guide to The Perfect Valentine’s Day

As awesome as taking your girl to White Castle for Valentine’s Day might sound, if she’s the kinky type, chances are she’d rather spend her evening sucking down something other than sliders and milkshakes.

You know her better than anyone, you know what she likes and you know that a fast food dinner isn’t the kind of punishment she’s hoping for tonight. But there’s one problem, Valentine’s Day is today and you haven’t planned anything. It’s okay, don’t panic, really, we got you covered. As long as you follow our simple guide below, you’ll be fine.

Step 1: The Date

You can never go wrong with dinner and a movie, especially when the Fifty Shade of Grey sequel Fifty Shades Darker just opened. Coincidence? I think not. Now if you’re already thinking of other movies to take her to, you’re not paying attention. In fact, I’ll wait here while you go buy your tickets. Now that that’s taken care of, if you’re really looking to spice things up, try picking up a Lovense LUSH. If you’re new to the incredible world of remote controlled Bluetooth vibrators, we suggest trying it at the movies first, it’s dark and loud, so you’re less likely to get noticed when she starts to feel the vibes (pun indented). You’re also probably not the only ones in the theater who’s got one. But if you’re really feeling adventurous, have her wear it during dinner. There’s nothing sexier than watching her squirm in public as she tries to supress the feelings of pleasure you’re sending her remotely from your smartphone. “Go ahead honey, have an orgasm right here in the restaurant, in front of all these strangers…” Hot, right?

Step 2: The Afterparty

Okay so the credits are rolling and she’s all riled up from the movie you just watched, not to mention the remote stimulation you’ve been giving her all night long. You’ve got her right where you want her, but those vanilla bondage scenes weren’t enough, so now it’s up to you to fulfill her deepest and darkest fantasies at home.

Disclaimer: Before engaging in any BDSM scenarios with your partner, be sure to have a serious chat about what she’s comfortable doing or have done to her and what she not. You’ll also want to choose a safe word that will stop any activity if it becomes to much for her. Here at Wasteland we use the word “RED”, a standard industry safe word.

Activity 1: Against the Ropes

If you’re not a shibari expert, but can tie a simple knot, we suggest trying a little rope play. You can start with your partner on her back, face up so she can see the action (blindfolded for more adventurous couples). Start by tying her hands either together above her head, or apart and to her sides, securing the rope to the bed wherever possible. Then try tying her feet apart, leaving her spread wide open on the bed, completely vulnerable. Now the fun begins.

Note, most adult novelty boutiques carry bondage rope as well as all the accessories you will need for the evening.

Pro Tip: Substitute rope for handcuffs and leg shackles. When restraining your partner, if you can slip your index finger in between her wrist and the cuffs, it’s tight enough that she won’t be able to get out, but not so tight that it will hurt her.

Activity 2: Can you Candle It?

Now that she is all tied up and in the perfect position to receive her discipline, try incorporating some pain play, light spanking, candle wax, mix in a little hair pulling; this might also be a good opportunity to tell her some of the things she does that really tick you off and punish her for it.

Pro tip: If you plan on trying the candle wax, make sure you buy candles meant for wax play, or you might be spending Valentine’s Day in the ER. Check out these low temperature candles from Amazon.

Activity 3: Guilty Pleasure

So, you finally got to punish her for not doing the dishes when it was her turn and for making you walk the dog at 5am in the freezing cold while she sleeps in a warm bed. Now it’s time to reward her for all the awesome stuff she DOES do for you, because you know she deserves it and you also know that if you want her to keep doing those things, you better make her happy.

Start teasing her with your favorite dildo or vibrator. Make her lick it and suck on it to get it wet. Run it up and down her body, slowly making your way to her pussy, until she can’t take it anymore and is begging you to put it in.

Pro Tip: Don’t put it in yet. Play with her clit a bit. Take it away and force her to make it wet again. Only when you think divorce is imminent should you give in and let her have it. She’s all yours and you’re in control. Now you can go to town on her.

Activity 4: Embrace Your Inner Pornographer

Hiding inside you and your partner, are a couple of naughty porn directors, you just don’t know it yet. Consider setting up a camera to capture all the fun of the evening for later viewing. If it’s your inner exhibitionist who’s begging to be released, you can always broadcast the session live on webcam for the world to see.

If all of the above still seems a bit too daring, you can always curl up on the couch, order some pizza and watch your favorite Wasteland scenes, working up the courage to try it next year.

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To read the full article on the Wasteland Blog, click here.

Posted in BDSM, Fetish, Instructional, Photos